"STAND UP FOR YOUR LIFE" by Cheryl Richardson 

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Additional thoughts of Graham White in highlights. 

Have you felt haunted by a persistent inner voice that tells you you were meant to do more with your life?  Although you earn a good living and enjoy the company of family and friends, do you feel restless and unsatisfied?  Is there so much you want to do with your life, but lack the courage and confidence to take action?

Many feel as though they're living a life scripted or prescribed by others.  They long to break out of their self-imposed limitations and lead their own lives, but they lack the courage and knowledge to do so. 

Consider the following questions:

• Do you feel you have responsibilities that prevent you from doing what you really want?
• Even though you schedule time for yourself, do you often end up canceling to accommodate someone else's needs?
• Do you tend to care too much what others think of you?
• Do you do something to sabotage your progress each time you get close to success?
• When faced with a decision, do you immediately call several people for input?
• When someone hurts your feelings, do you keep your mouth shut and fantasize about what you could have said later?
• Do you often say yes and mean no?
• Do you take things personally and feel easily affected by others?
• Do you feel like you're not living up to your full potential?
• When speaking to others, do you downplay your knowledge to avoid seeming arrogant?
• Are you afraid to out-succeed your parents?
• Do you have a nagging sense that something is missing from your life?
• When you're upset with someone, do you talk yourself out of it rather than confront the person?
• Do you have a secret desire you've never admitted to anyone?
• When someone neglects to follow through on a commitment, do you brood about it rather than confront them?

Do these statements sound familiar?

• Be nice.
• Be quiet.
• Don't get too excited.
• Don't get too big for your britches.
• Be seen, not heard.
• Keep your expectations low.
• Be modest.
• Keep the peace at any cost.
• Don't make waves.
• Don't toot your own horn.
• Don't be too proud.
• Be happy with what you have.
• Don't be so full of yourself.

Try these:

• Don't apologize when you've done nothing wrong.
• Be courageous
• Think big.
• Be ambitious.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Be proud of who you are and what you know.
• Aim high.
• Go for it.

Owning your talents and gifts can fell like a risky proposition.  When we speak up for what we want and take the actions to make it happen, others can react in a hurtful way.  For example, your best friend may get snippy as your new mob makes you less available.  Your parent may become emotionally distant when your happy marriage reminds them of what's missing in their own.  

Consider the following story:

When my husband left me for a younger woman, my friends rallied to support me during my divorce.  They came to my rescue, made meals and talked with me late into the night.  Two years later, when I had recovered emotionally, lost 30 pounds and received a big promotion at work, the same friends began gossiping behind my back about how "bull of myself" I'd become.  I had changed.  I was stronger, more confident, and a lot less needy.  I guess they couldn't handle it, but that didn't make the hurt any less painful.

BEHAVIORS THAT PREVENT US FROM LEADING OUR OWN LIVES:

• You feel disconnected from yourself.  The quality of your life has been compromised by your ability to do more and feel less.  You've lost touch with the very things you need to experience a meaningful life: a strong connection to your feelings and the ability to act on your inner wisdom.
• You long to experience a sense of fulfillment and purpose, but you've centered your life around "shoulds" instead of what you value most.
• You hide your power.  You put yourself down or minimize your strengths and talents by engaging in self-defeating behaviors that weaken your self-esteem.
• You care too much about what others think.  You work hard at managing the perceptions of others to avoid confrontation and feelings of guilt.  You allow people to rob you of time, energy and self-esteem.
• You allow fear to prevent you from making the changes you really want to make in your life.
• You settle for less than you deserve.  Your desire for instant gratification prevents you from making choices that are in your highest interest.
• You long to realize your full potential, but you stay put because you don't know where to begin.
• Your belief that abundance is limited prevents you from supporting the accomplishments of others.  You've learned to bond with others through suffering instead of success.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE- build such a strong relationship with yourself that you'll step taking things personally and start making choices based on what you want instead of what others want for you--and you won't think it's selfish.

DEFINE YOUR VALUES- identify your values and the ways in which you and your life need to change in order to center your life around those values.

STOP HIDING YOUR POWER- uncover the ways in which you hide your power and eliminate the self-defeating behaviors that chip away at your self-esteem and prevent you from using your full talents and gifts.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF- acquire the necessary skills and language to speak up for what you want and say no firmly and gracefully to what you don't want.  By facing your fear of conflict head on, you'll discover one of the best ways to build emotional strength--the kind of strength that will serve you in all areas of your life.

BUILD YOUR COURAGE--use fear as your ally by taking more risks and expanding your comfort zone, so you can make the life changes that really matter.

PASS UP GOOD FOR GREAT- identify and honor your spiritual standards so you can make wise choices for yourself and your life by learning to pass up good for great.

CENTER YOUR LIFE AROUND YOUR VALUES- take action to make the changes that will center your life around your values.

CREATE A LARGER VISION OF YOUR LIFE- share your success with others by committing your life to being of service and by passing on these skills to loved ones, especially children.

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This journey won't be easy.  By following this path, you'll be making a decision to rock the boat.  To find out who should be in your circle, answer the following questions:

• Who are the people who stand in your corner during your most difficult moments?
• Which friends have risked telling you the truth with grace and love, simply because they care about you?
• Which of your friends refuse to belittle or tear down others, even when those people are not around?
• Who holds you accountable for what you say you're going to do?
• With whom do you feel absolutely safe?

To create a group that will support you, make a list of those who were in your answers above.  The most productive and effective groups have no more than 6 or 8 members.  Meet with them weekly if you can, monthly if necessary, but try to check in weekly, even by phone.  Have members make a commitment to attend for at least three months and schedule meetings in advance to make planning easy and to demonstrate your commitment to the group.

FOLLOW SMART GROUP GUIDELINES

• COMMIT TO CONFIDENTIALITY--everything that is said in the group meeting is to be kept confidential.
• GIVE EVERYONE EQUAL TIME- Be sure that each person has a chance to speak.  While there may be certain times when a member needs extra attention, it's important to prevent members from continuously dominating the conversation.  This is the one problem that ruins a group quicker than any other.  To ensure that everyone gets equal time, watch the clock.  Remember that the meeting is to be focused on action, not social chit-chat.
• DON'T BE CRITICAL OR GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE-let each person ASK for what they need.
• SHARE FACILITATION- have someone new facilitate your meeting each time to prevent from having a "boss".
• FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE-Put the attention on what works.  Look for and acknowledge a members strengths.  Avoid complaining.  If someone has a problem that needs some type of therapy, recommend it.  Don't allow a member to suffer by being "nice".  Tell the truth.
• SPEAK FROM YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE-Use the word "I" not "you" when speaking to other members.
• HONOR THE GROUP-Hold a regular "check-in" meeting to be sure that all members are satisfied with how the meetings are run.  Tell the truth about how you feel (gracefully).  You can also check in at the end of each meeting.  If there is a problem, address it immediately!  For example, if someone talks too much or ignores group guidelines by gossiping, you need to honor your group by telling the truth.

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"How can I discover my purpose and make a difference in the world?"

This question means two things:  First, the person is probably unhappy with their current circumstances.  Second, the very essence of who they are yearns to be expressed in their life more fully.

We all want to make a difference in the world.  We want to know that our lives matter, that our presence on Earth has meaning and purpose.  You must make your personal and spiritual development a top priority by following your own unique path toward healing and growth.  You are also charged with improving the world in some way.

History is filled with people who caused change in the world as a result of their own personal work.  Bill Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, a man whose legacy has saved millions, made this contribution as  a result of his own healing and spiritual development.  You can too.

The first step toward fulfilling your purpose is to take a leadership role in your life.  Accepting this role means relinquishing the "follower" position that so many of us have comfortable and safe.  You must become the leader of your own life.

We are here for a very short, indeterminate amount of time.  It's imperative that we use this time well by making our spiritual development a top priority.  As we do, we begin to understand and fulfill our unique purpose here on earth.  This commitment takes time, energy and a willingness to open your heart and mind to change.  The first step is to realize that you are the force for change in your life.  No one else can set your destiny, settle your grievances, heal your wounds, or tell you what to do.  You must take full responsibility for an amazing gift that was bestowed upon you at birth--the power to create your life as a work of art.

Life is far too precious to let anything get in the way of achieving your incredible potential-the Divine assignment you've come here to fulfill.

More than likely, you'll be faced with the reality that you've made some less than desirable choices, perhaps by staying in a relationship that undermines your self-esteem, or overspending and accumulating too much debt.  These choices may challenge you to make changes that feel overwhelming or a little scary.  For example, you may need to seriously reconsider an important relationship or stay in an unsatisfying job while you whittle away at the debt you've accumulated over the years.  

As challenging as it might be, it's important for you to take ownership of your present circumstances.  When you take ownership of your life, you engage a powerful Diving force to support your efforts.  This force will bring you exactly what you need to make the changes that will improve your life.  You don't even have to believe in it for it to work!

Your thoughts, emotions and energy dictate your life experience.  For example, how often have you started the day off on the wrong foot, only to experience one challenge after another.  Self-awareness is the first step on the road to reclaiming ownership of your life.  You simply need a reminder of how powerful you really are.  

WHAT IS THE ONE ACTIVITY YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO EVERY DAY THAT WOULD STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF?

NEED TOOL

Increase your chances of success by using a partner or support team to help keep you on track.  Make a verbal commitment and arrange to use check-in calls for 30 days.

Create a regular schedule.  The body quickly adapts to an prefers a routine.  When you schedule your daily activity at the same time each day, you'll find yourself naturally gravitating toward that commitment.  Think of this routine as a groove that you're creating for yourself.  The deeper the groove, the easier it is to stay on track.  Mark the time on your calendar and hold it sacred.  Don't let other events or people intrude on this commitment.

RATE THE FOLLOWING ON A SCALE OF 1 - 10

• How well do you honor your needs?  Do you sleep when you're tired, eat when you're hungry or take a break when you're feeling stressed?
• When you make promises to yourself do you keep them?  For example, if you promise yourself that you'll spend a quiet evening alone reading a favorite book, do you cancel it when the unexpected invitation comes along?
• Can you trust yourself to make tough choices?  For example, will you walk away from a relationship that weakens your self-esteem or leave a job that pays the bills but leaves you feeling unfulfilled?
• Do you stand up for yourself when someone steps over your boundaries or acts in an inappropriate way?  For example, can you tell a friend that it's not okay to tease, judge, or criticize you?

 Write down the changes you need to make in order to become more trustworthy.

To prepare to make change, over the next week, decide to make one simple change every day.  The idea is to get comfortable with change.  Remember that change is usually not as painful as you project it to be.  Instead of seeing it as losing something you want or need, decide to see change as getting something new and important.  For example:

• Reverse the order of what you do in the morning.
• Eat lunch in a new place.
• Try a new food.
• Drive home a different way.
• Weak a different combination of clothes.

Begin serious change in your life by working on one new thing every week.

HOW DO YOU HIDE YOUR POWER QUIZ pg 82

Do you have a high percentage of self defeating thoughts?

• You always make mistakes.
• Why start?  You never follow through with what you say you're going to do anyway.
• That was a stupid thing to say.
• You don't have what it takes to succeed.
• You're not a good enough role model for your child.
• No one cares what you have to say.
• You're so lazy.
• Don't talk, you'll only look stupid.
• You don't deserve it anyway.
• You're not qualified.
• Don't bother anyone with your issue.
• No matter how hard you try, you can't win.
• Someone else can probably do it better.

Make a list of your 5 most self critical thoughts:

Identify your 5 best qualities:

Write down 5 statements that remind you how powerful you are:

Have 5 close friends write what they would say if they were asked to give your eulogy:

IMAGE QUIZ:

• Are all of your clothes in good repair?
• Does everything in your wardrobe fit, not to big or small?
• Do you know what colors you look best in and wear them?
• Do you know what styles flatter you and not settle for less?
• Are you always open to new ideas of what looks good?
• Are your shoes well looked after?
• Do you wear stylish watch and jewelry?
• Are your hands and fingernails looked after?
• Do you have a contemporary hairstyle?
• Do you wear the right amount and right kind of cologne?

Create tool from pg 111

GROWTH

Do you want a secret to be revealed that will miraculously change your life, but you won't even take the time to clean out your car?  Think about the parable of the wise man and the three servants who were each given different amounts (talents) to.  The one who was given the least, did nothing with his, so his was taken away instead of multiplied.  You must first be successful with what you have before you can be successful with more.

Push yourself to change the way you behave in one small way each day.

ARE YOU SCARED OF CONFLICT?

• Do you tolerate bad behavior from others and fantasize about what you should have said after the incident?
• Do you feel sick to your stomach at the mere though of confrontation?
• Do you immediately get a rush of adrenaline when faced with conflict?
• Do you turn to food, alcohol, cigarettes, work, house cleaning or television rather that address conflict?
• Do you rationalize bad behavior and try to downplay your hurt rather than confront someone who treat you poorly?
• Do you replay arguments over and over in your mind trying to make sense of someone else's behavior or trying to think of ways you could have won an argument?
• Do you apologize rather than stand up for your opinion?

 

Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself?  Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don't want to do?  Do you often feel guilty about putting your own needs first?  You need to set your boundaries!

PEOPLE MAY NOT...

• Go through my belongings
• Criticize me
• Make comments about my appearance
• Take their anger out on me
• Humiliate me in front of others
• Tell rude or racist jokes in my company
• Invade my personal space
• Gossip around me

I HAVE A RIGHT TO ASK FOR...

• Privacy
• More information for professionals I deal with, doctors etc.
• A rain check when I don't want to do something with a friend
• More information before making a purchase
• More time before making a decision
• A new hairstyle

TO PROTECT MY TIME AND ENERGY, IT'S OKAY TO...

• Turn off the phone
• Return calls or e-mails within a few days
• Request a friend or coworker be on time
• Bow out of a volunteer activity
• Cancel a commitment when I'm not feeling well
• Take an occasional day off to recharge
• Reserve a time and place that is mine alone
• Delegate tasks that cause me stress

As you reach higher levels of self-esteem, the downtimes become smaller and smaller.  Though you may sometimes find yourself doing things that diminish your power, you'll recognize it quickly and rectify the situation.  As your self-esteem and confidence increase, you'll become unwilling to settle for anything less that what honors and respects who you are.

SET BOUNDARIES

• Who is the person you need to set a boundary with?
• Why?
• Who will help support you in setting this boundary?
• How will you let them know about the boundary?
• When will you have this done by?

-If you had no fear, what challenges would you be able to overcome?

-Is there something that you haven't done or begun to do that you'll regret at the end of your life?

-How will your life be better by taking these new steps?

-What will you have in your life that you couldn't do before taking these steps?

 -What qualities of character have allowed you to handle your challenges to date?

-In what ways are you resourceful?

-What did you learn from your challenges that will help you now?

 

WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT DOING?

• Someplace you've always wanted to visit?
• Run for public office?
• Fantasy vacation?
• Write a book?
• Fly, sail etc?
• Learn how to do a new art form?
• Present or sing in front of others?

Tool pgs 169-176

PATTERNS AND STANDARDS THAT ARE SHARED BY THOSE WHO LEAD SUCCESSFUL LIVES:

1. Centered around values.
2. Live a life of integrity where thoughts, words and actions are aligned with spiritual self.
3. Surrounded with people who are also committed to personal development.
4. Engaged in work that reflects values and inspires to achieve their potential.
5. Make emotional, physical and spiritual well-being their top priority.
6. Respect others and resist the temptation to judge based on personal standards of beliefs.
7. Are committed to living a life that serves a greater purpose.

 

DEVELOP YOUR DREAM TEAM

• Invite a group of energetic and positive people to your home or office.  If you're working with a partner, each of you should invite two people so that you have a total of 6.
• Let the know you'll brainstorming for an hour or two.
• Invite them to bring a need of their own.  
• Eliminate debate or discussion.
• Write down all the ideas.
• Keep an open mind; you never know when one silly idea may lead to a fantastic breakthrough!
• Keep it positive (no: "Yeah, but...")

Make the brainstorming sessions a festive and productive occasion.  You can hold a potluck dinner, or get together at a favorite spot.  Make sure EVERYONE benefits.  It's important that everyone gets a chance; there's nothing more offensive than someone who takes up all the time.

When considering potential participants, think beyond family and friends.  Consider acquaintances, colleagues and people from your professional network.  Sometimes the people you think would be the least interested are the most enthusiastic.  You'll be surprised by the level of interest people have in sharing ideas and supporting the success of others.

You may choose to begin with this letter or e-mail:

Dear Friends,

I have recently decided to ______________ (change careers, move to a different part of the country, find a new school for my child, etc).  To help me move forward with this goal in a productive and efficient way, I'm hosting a brainstorming session in my home the evening of ___________ .  As someone who has demonstrated a commitment to success, I thought you might be interested in participating by bringing a goal or need of your own.  This is a great opportunity to get some creative ideas and resources that might help you to move forward quickly and easily.  If you're interested in joining us, please send a reply and I'll get you all the details.  Thanks!

WHAT IS YOUR LARGER VISION?

What I want for people is _________________________ .

CREATE A VALUE BASED PROJECT

1. Decide on a project.
2. Give your project a name.
3. Brainstorm your way to a plan of action.
4. Anticipate and handle any obstacles.
5. Act

SUPPORT THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS

• Offer your help.  Support the dreams and goals of others by offering to participate in a brainstorming session or by providing helpful resources.
• Look for what works.  When a friend, family member or colleague has the courage to share a dream or desire, underscore the strengths of their plan and the qualities they possess that will allow them to make it a reality.  
• If something doesn't seem possible, assume that you've missed some information, and ask them to clarify how they're addressing the issue.
• Never use sarcasm or tease.  Learn to look for and acknowledge the strengths and talents in others.
• Refuse to gossip or listen to it.
• Mentor someone working to develop skills you already have.
• Make a conscious decision to support one person in your life.  Write their name here: _____________________.

EMPOWER YOUR CHILDREN.  TELL THEM TO:

• Be courageous.
• Think big.
• Be ambitious.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Be seen and heard.
• Be proud of who they are.
• Have high expectations.

INFLUENCE CHILDREN IN A POSITIVE DIRECTION:

• Protect their sensitivity and spirit by modeling healthy boundaries.
• Teach children self-discipline and patience by encouraging them to stop and assess their circumstances before reacting to difficult situations.  This will help them to become aware of how their actions affect others.
• Help them develop an on-going relationship with God.  Create regular rituals that bring your family's spiritual beliefs into your children's lives.  
• Teach children to see their mistakes as steppingstones to success.  
• Teach them to trust and honor their feelings by encouraging them to tune into and talk about how they feel.
• Help children develop the courage to see the world through their own eyes instead of the eyes of others.  Don't let others dictate how they feel about themselves.
• Teach children the value of contribution and service.  Encourage them to share and donate to those in need.
• Acknowledge their strengths.  Point out their unique qualities regularly.  
• Teach them to be kind to others.  Don't allow them to tease or talk negatively about others.  Don't tolerate physical violence of any kind.  Model tolerant behavior yourself.

Fulfill your purpose--the mission that allows you to express your incredible potential.  Your commitment to become someone even greater than your present self will give you the courage and confidence to leave a legacy that makes this world a much better place for those who follow.  Whether you're a parent who is committed to raising good-hearted children, a loving mentor to a teenager in need or the president of a company that serves a larger community, your contribution is equally important.  As you support the success of others, you'll arrive at the end of your life knowing that your presence and love made a difference.  There is no greater endowment.  Your ability to leave a powerful legacy rests on your commitment to work on yourself.

http://www.cherylrichardson.com 

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