"MARS
& VENUS TOGETHER (Relationship Skills For Lasting Love)" by
John Gray Ph. D.
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This Book
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Additional thought
of Graham White in highlights.
Use
the same style of introduction for your book. Also use the quote style
used in the book.
The high rate of
divorce is not a sign that people today are less interested in marriage.
On the contrary, it indicates that we want more from our relationships than
ever before. We sense that passionate monogamy is possible, but we do
not have the skills to fully experience it. It used to be an accepted
fact that passion waned after a couple was married. We
no longer accept this, but we haven't developed the skills in order to keep
the passion alive. Divorce seems to be the solution and those who take
this option early find marriage a revolving door of excitement turned to disappointment.
Having an affair is
one way of injecting passion back into your life, but it's like taking all
your savings and blowing them in Las Vegas. You spend it all and you are
quickly back to where you started.
All
relationships experience difficulty. If you don't plan for the times
when things are rough, you may end up having an affair. It is important
to set up your life to make it as affair proof as possible.
As
a personal example, I used to do long-term on-site consulting in
nightclubs. The availability of young, attractive, willing partners was
endless. In order to ensure that it was less likely that I would take
advantage of an opportunity should one arise during a week when I was not
getting along well with my wife, I made certain that I did not develop any
close relationships with anyone I was particularly attracted to. In
fact, if I was attracted to someone that I saw regularly, I made certain that
all they sensed was "disinterest". That way, when I was having
moments of doubt, I didn't have a relationship already developed that I could
manipulate into a mistake I would permanently regret.
It could be said
that we all have Ph.D.'s in conducting relationships that are just like our
parents', since we lived with them for eighteen years or more and
unconsciously learned how to behave and react from them. For this simple
reason, childhood experience heavily influences the quality of our
relationships in later life.
Even if our parents
dearly loved us, they could not teach us what they did no know. They
could not give us solutions to problems that did not exist in their
lifetimes. We not only have to master new skills but must also shoulder
the additional burden of unlearning what we learned from our parents.
If when we were
children our parents had asked for our forgiveness when they made mistakes, we
would know how to forgive. If we had watched them forgive each other, we
would better know how to forgive. If we had experienced being forgiven
for our own mistakes again and again, we would not only know how to forgive,
but would have experienced firsthand the power of forgiveness to transform
others.
We
have Ph.D.'s in everything our parents knew. What they did not know is
much harder for us to learn. Your family of origin determines almost
completely who you are up until you are 18. If you quit learning when
you quit school, you will know little more than your parents. With a
world changing as rapidly as ours, not only do you suffer if your parents
struggled, but you begin to fall behind at an exponential rate as the world
moves exponentially beyond what you last learned.
The problem is,
times have changed. We no longer need the same type of arrangement our
parents and grandparents needed in order to survive. Personal
fulfillment has become more important than the family unit. Many are
prepared to sacrifice the marriage in order to gain that fulfillment.
In many cases,
you'll discover that there is nothing wrong with you or your partner. It
is simply that you never learned the necessary skills for making a
relationship work. Release the blame and begin practicing new skills.
Men just do what
their father did. He wants to make you happy, he just doesn't understand
how. Men, say less and listen more. It actually works.
Women, to expect a
man who doesn't talk much to suddenly open up and share is unrealistic.
With a little encouragement, the same man can easily focus his energies on
learning to be a better listener. When approached in this manner,
behavioral change is possible regardless of what we learned from our parents.
Instead of focusing
on what we can't or don't do, focus on what we CAN do and how to do it.
Men like to be
experts. If you hand them the book and say "You need this," it
creates resistance. But if you open the book to sections that describe
men and ask your mate if what is written is really true, he may suddenly
become interested.
Divorce
isn't higher because morality has declined, it's higher because we have the
luxury of higher expectations, but not the skills to fulfill them for our
partners. We were always selfish, it was just in our selfish interest to
stay married before.
For the first time
in recorded history, we look to each other primarily for love and
romance. Happiness, intimacy, and lasting passion are now requirements
for fulfilling relationships. What your mother couldn't tell you and
your father didn't know is how to satisfy your partner's emotional needs
without sacrificing your own personal fulfillment.
Men are no longer
valued and appreciated as providers and protectors. Although they
continue to do what they have always done, it suddenly isn't enough to make
their partners happy.
While women today
no longer want to wait on a man at the end of a day, men still want what their
fathers wanted - to be waited on.
Times have changed,
and we have no choice but to change with them. A new job description is
required in relationships. New skills must be learned if a man is to
feel needed and appreciated by his mate. A new awareness is required of
women if they are to continue working side by side with men, then come home to
a loving and nurturing relationship. New skills are required to remain
feminine and also be strong.
Our mothers could
not teach their daughters how to share their feelings in a way that didn't
make men defensive, or how to ask for support so that a man would respond
favorably. They did not understand how to nurture a man without
mothering him or giving too much. They did not know how to accommodate
his wishes without sacrificing their own. They were experts at pleasing
their men at their own expense.
In essence, our
mothers could not teach their daughters how to be feminine and also
powerful. They couldn't teach them how to support their partners and
also get the emotional support tat they deserved.
Our fathers could
not teach their sons how to communicate with a woman without passively giving
in or aggressively arguing. Men today have no role models for leading and
directing the family in a way that respects and includes their partners' point
of view. They do not know how to remain strong while providing emotional
support.
We must not blame
our parents for failing to teach us things about relationships that they could
not know. It is imperative that we do not expect our partners to always
know instinctively what we need without our telling them.
Relationships
become increasingly difficult when we expect too much of ourselves or our
partners. In education theory, to learn something new, you must hear it
(and/or apply it) two hundred times. If you are a genius, maybe a
hundred and fifty times will do. Mastering new relationship skills is
not immediate.
Even
if you're an adult, if it's new, it takes time and repetition.
You
will occasionally forget what you have learned. Old patterns and
reactions will come back, but with each progressive step it becomes easier,
more rewarding and more fun. Once learned, your skills will enrich all
aspects of your life.
The most important
skill of all is anticipating temporary setbacks and acknowledging the
necessity of relearning a lesson until it becomes second nature. This
understanding gives you the hope to be patient and forgiving.
If problems arise
at home, the traditional male approach to solving them is to become more
successful at work. If a relationship is troubled, a traditional man
doesn't take a seminar or purchase a book on relationships; he takes a course
or buys a book on business or success. Why? Because from time
immemorial, a man could always make his partner happier by being a better
provider.
You
MUST add a written to do list into your schedule when you're working on
change. You CAN'T be accountable to each other. It doesn't
work. You need another system.
TITLE
How to get him to listen - How to get her to give you space. How to get
her hot.
At no time in
history have relationships been as difficult for men as now.
Many men work just
as hard as their forefathers, perhaps even harder, but still can't manage to
be their family's sole support. Deprived of the strong sense of self
that being a sole provider would bring him, on a deep emotional (and sometimes
unconscious) level he easily feels defeated when his partner seems unhappy or
unfulfilled. He feels emasculated.
When a modern man
returns home he generally faces defeat instead of victory. His partner's
unhappiness signals that he is a failure.
Men are wired to
give their all to work, then come home and receive. Through history, men
could tolerate the stresses of the outside world because they would return
home to a nurturing and loving woman. all day the male was
goal-oriented, but come evening, he either relaxed, played, or was waited on
with love. What he didn't have to do was continue working to win his
partner's favor.
When a modern woman
shares her feelings of having to do too much, a man generally hears it as
blame for not doing enough or as an order to do more. Neither message is
agreeable to his nature, which is telling him, "OK, you're home.
Relax and reap the rewards of your labor."
I
don't really believe that women were happy to just be at home, raise the kids
and wait on their husband when he got home. The only way this worked was
when they were in a community with other women and they shared the different
aspects of labor. Women who began running single family households
probably had to deal with a huge amount of stress that their mothers didn't
deal with. That is what gave rise to the women's movement. Now,
men & women need to get together and redefine the family. We need to
find what works for everyone and stop focusing on our self-centered interests.
Once
we sit down and design a plan that give both of us (and our children) what we
all want, we have a plan for success.
When men are
preoccupied with work
He doesn't realize
that he is not listening or responding to the people he loves because he is so
utterly focused on solving his problem. At such times, he has
temporarily forgotten what is really important to him. He does not
recognize that he is pushing away the people he loves most.
When a man is
focused on his work, he doesn't just decide to ignore his family. He
truly forgets. He doesn't decide to forget picking up his daughter at
school, it is an automatic by-product of increasing his focus on solving his
problems at work. It is not a sign that he has stopped caring, if
anything it is a sign that he does care but is just not adept at coping with
his stress.
Men need
appreciation
If a man is
appreciated by his mate, he can deal with a failure at work and return to face
the same challenge tomorrow because he is supported at home. He will
probably still require time alone, but won't retreat nearly as much.
-A man's tendency
is to focus and forget.
What women mean
when they say:
Many times, she
simply needs to be listened to. When she says "You don't
understand," she really means "You don't understand what I need from
you. I just need you to listen and empathize."
Women don't know
how to communicate their need for support. Either women expect men to be
mind readers and know their needs, or they let their needs build up until they
are resentful and then demand more. Neither approach works.
For centuries, the
sign that a woman was loved was her not having to ask for signs that her
husband recognizes her needs. Now, when a man appears to a woman as if
he is not motivated to support her needs, it weakens her self-esteem and
humiliates her. She feels that she is not worthy of his love.
Men can give
more only in small degrees.
Sometimes the best
place to start isn't with doing more, but listening more.
Work on doing more in very small increments. It is unrealistic to expect
a man suddenly to be motivated to do 50% of the housework if he has been used
to doing much less.
Focus on asking him
to listen to your feelings while making sure that he knows how much you
appreciate his emotional support. As he gets better at listening to your
feelings, he will eventually be able to do more without expecting you to
always be happy or appreciative.
Talking to men
The problem is that
women give too much and feel overworked while men give only what their fathers
gave and expect to receive the same measure of support.
Before you share
how you feel, first prepare him by letting him know how much you appreciate
all he does for you. Before asking him for more, you must convince him
that he is already doing enough. Once a man experiences his
woman's appreciation, his resistance to doing more melts way. Instead of
feeling like a child controlled by his mother, he begins to welcome her
requests for more.
A woman can prepare
a man to listen by letting him know in advance what it is she needs.
"I'd love to talk about my day, but first I want you to know that I love
my job and I don't want to quit." Now he knows you just need to
unwind through talking about your day.
Any well off person
can tell you that money does not eliminate problems. It makes life more
complex. The greater the wealth, the more momentous the decisions about
spending it, using it and protecting it. For women, it makes it even
more challenging if they are unhappy. Her friends can't understand what
she has to complain about and her husband assumes it is enough to be a great
financial provider.
Talking to women
Listen without
getting upset that she is upset. This is not as easy to do as women
assume because merely listening is too inactive for him. He must learn
to defend himself without retaliating, something his predecessors didn't have
to do - assistance in this process can greatly speed up his progress.
No matter how much
he loves her, after about three direct hits he will no longer be capable of
listening to her in a supportive way. War breaks out. Once these defensive
responses are triggered, he will attempt either to change her mind through
arguing or protect her from his own aggressive reactions by emotionally
withdrawing.
The freedom to
express emotions safely with their mate's help is vital to women. Men
inevitably express surprise at how much women need to feel safe. When a
man can listen to a woman's feeling and allow her to articulate them without
responding negatively, she is not only very appreciative but more attracted to
him as a result. (How to get
your wife hot).
Women are under
such constant pressure to be loving and sweet. They
want to be free to unload somewhere, now that ends up being with their
husband. They no longer have the extended community their grandmother's
had.
Our
metabolism isn't slowing down as much as our weight is slowly creeping
up. Weight gain is due to ignorance in habits and emotional
eating. Plot your heaviest weight, not lightest weight from year to year
and you'll discover that their is a steady upward climb, not the major spike
(unless you had a really difficult emotional year and ate to deal with it).
When anyone has a
strong emotional reaction, it is to a combination of many elements, not just
the subject at hand. When a woman is upset, she rarely has the ability
to appreciate solutions. This is because what she needs then is to be
heard, not fixed. In some cases a solution makes matters worse by
minimizing or even invalidating her feelings.
By doing so, he
will upset her, respond in defense, get hit again with each successive
emotional blow growing more and more painful. After the third strike, it
is advisable to take time out to cool off, think things over, and then resume
the conversation when you feel more centered.
Learn
to walk away and come back when you can begin with a compliment or word of
understanding.
Your wife is your
equal partner in life and deserves to be included in any major financial
decision. For her to feel equal she needs you to take her emotions
into account. You have probably spent 6 months figuring out exactly why
your decision is so perfect, weighed the pros and cons - give her the ability
to take a moment to think as well.
Men don't realize
that an emotionally upset woman is not demanding agreement or submission from
him. She just wants to be considered.
When a woman is
upset, she first wants to talk about it and decide later what she thinks
should happen. He mistakenly concludes that he has to agree with her
point of view before she can feel OK again. If he doesn't agree and
doesn't want to give in, he feels driven to point out the deficiencies in her
argument to get her to agree with him.
One loose
derogatory zinger can undo 20 minutes of attentive support.
A woman admire a
man if he has the strength to control his emotions and has the sensitivity to
respectfully consider her point of view as a valid perspective. Women
are turned off by passive and submissive men. They don't want to be the
boss in an intimate relationship. They want to be treated as equal
partners with equal say and having their feelings and perspective validated.
Interrogation is an
automatic reaction when women don't feel safe enough to share their feelings.
When women became
emotional, they generally ask questions as a sign that they need to be
questioned themselves so that they can explore their feelings.
A man will always
be tempted to defend hi point of view. He instinctively feels that if he
could only share his understanding of the situation she would feel
better. In truth, she will feel better only when he shares in her
understanding of a situation. When a woman feels understood and
validated, she can relax. Otherwise she feels she has to fight to be
heard.
Don't correct
anything she says, silently listen.
Most men fear that
if they don't correct a woman's statements, she will continue holding on to
them as fact. This is true in court but not in a relationship.
What most men don't
understand is that the more a woman feels the right to be upset, the less
upset she will be. If a man doesn't criticize her for being critical, or
blame her for blaming him, he give her an opportunity to release any criticism
or blame she may be harboring.
When a woman shares
negative emotions, she is generally in the middle of the process of
discovering what she feels to be true. She is not stating an objective
fact.
It's hard for men
to relate readily to this mood change because it's foreign to their natures
and they just can't fathom it. When a man is upset and talks with the
person who is upsetting him, he tends to remain upset unless that person
agrees with him in some significant way or until he can find a solution.
Simply listening to him and nodding your head in sympathy is not enough if he
is really upset.
In counseling, a
woman will share her feelings and a man will feel attacked and blamed.
(Interview both separately
first).
An overwhelmed
woman talks about her feelings the way she shops. She is not expecting
you to buy a particular feeling any more than she is necessarily going to buy
it herself. She is basically trying on emotional outfits to see if they
fit. Just because she takes a lot of time trying on an outfit or testing
an emotion doesn't mane it's "her".
It is easier to
dodge a woman's resistant feelings and not feel blamed if a man remembers that
her feelings are not permanent and that she is just trying them on for size.
-
When you suspect
she is upset, don't wait for her to initiate the conversation
(when you initiate, it takes away 50% of her emotional
charge).
-
As you let her
talk, keep reminding yourself that it doesn't help to get
upset with her for being upset.
-
Whenever you feel
an urgent need to interrupt or correct, don't.
-
When you don't
know what to say, say nothing. If you can't say
something positive or respectful, keep quiet.
-
If she won't
talk, ask more questions until she does.
-
Whatever you do,
don't correct or judge her feelings.
-
Remain as calm
and centered as possible, and keep a lock on your strong
reactions. (If you lose control and "spill your
gut" even for a moment, you lose and have to start all
over at a disadvantage.)
If you back off and give
her more space, you only make things worse. She doesn't want more space,
but more contact and attention.
Women
today have a much greater need to talk in a "Female" way with their
male partners because they are deprived of it at work.
The
phrase, "You don't understand" is so automatic to a woman that she
has no idea that she is preventing a man from giving her the support she
needs. Not only does this phrase sound like criticism, but it doesn't
make any sense to him.
He
feels that what he is doing demonstrates that he does understand what she is
saying, and to maintain his pride he is willing to fight to prove it.
Although he started out to help, he ends up wanting to argue.
Here's
an alternative. First, pause and consider that he is doing his best to
understand and then say "Let me try saying that in a different way."
Men
want to forget about their problems, women need to talk them through in order
to put them behind them.
A
man will make her feelings much more important if she doesn't demand it.
By preparing a man by saying "It's not really a big deal. I just
want you to consider how I feel," he will listen more attentively than
before.
Women can easily
become convinced that TV is more important to their husbands than they
are if he pays more attention to the TV than he does to her. The
truth is, if he is paying more attention to the TV than he does to her
TV is more important than her.
Men,
if you haven't developed the ability to listen to a woman without
trying to solve her problems, you can talk to her about setting an
initial time limit. Listening is a skill that needs to be
developed. If you haven't really listened before, you won't be
able to start listening for 15 minutes straight. You may even
find 10 minutes challenging. Having ADHD will make 5 minutes
seem like a stretch. Begin with what you can and agree that you
will increase the length over time. Find a solution that works
for you.
When
a man can't take the time he needs for himself, it is extremely
difficult for him to find the loving feelings that originally
attracted him to his partner. In a similar way, when a woman
doesn't get the chance to share her feelings and connect with her
female side, she loses touch with her deep, loving feelings.
If
something else in life is keeping a man distracted, like problems at
work, he will find it very challenging to focus on his wife. If
she is able to first address his need of taking some time to either
problem solve or de-stress from what's on his mind, she may find that
he is better prepared to connect with her and listen. It also
makes a huge contribution if she lets him know the things he is
currently doing that she admires, regardless of the fact that not
everything is perfect.
Men
need to retreat into a private mental space. The best way to
tell if that is where he is is simply to ask. He can help by
giving a clear signal when he is done being alone. Coming over
and giving his wife a hug or kiss on the cheek is a good way of
letting her know that he is ready to connect.
Generally
speaking, when a man is doing something that a woman thinks is a waste
of time, he is in his private mental space. It might be fiddling
with the computer, reading the paper, watching TV, working on a car,
working out, or going to a movie by himself. There
is nothing wrong with him spending time every day being alone (or with
other men) to relax. The problem comes with a lack of balance
and never getting out of that space in order to reconnect with
his wife.
If
he simply remains in his own space, with his own thoughts, with his
own activities, with his own friends, he needs to be aware that he has
become nothing more than a room mate. If this is the case, he
shouldn't be surprised when she asks for a divorce so that she can
find a man who wants to be her husband. Self-centered men easily
forget what the marriage agreement was. Separation is sometimes
the only way to wake them up to the reality of their actions. If
nothing changes, then she must ultimately accept that she is not as
important as his interests and determine if she wants to remain in
that type of relationship.
How
to help him learn to communicate better:
1.
Pause. Ask him if this is a good time to
talk.
2.
Postpone. Don't interrupt him until he lets you know he's
done with his time alone. Give him time to develop the ability
to listen to you.
3.
Pass it on. If you feel frustrated or critical because of
his difficulty listening, talk to someone else first so that you are
able to be more loving and centered when you talk to him.
4.
Prepare him. Tell him how long it will take and that he
doesn't have to say anything if he doesn't want. Let him know
that you don't blame him for how you're feeling and that you
appreciate him listening and supporting you.
5.
Persist. Continue giving him the support he needs so that he
can support you. If he is weak with his listening skills, you're
going to have to do more of the initial work. If he resists
conversation, gently ask him to listen to you even if he has nothing
to say.
Remember,
he may be growing in his skills slowly. Don't sabotage the work
he has done because he isn't growing as quickly as you'd like.
If you do, you may alienate him from continuing the work he's begun.
When
a woman wants to talk and he doesn't, she is embarrassed. It
feels as though she loves him more than he loves her. One of her
greatest needs is to share with him at the end of her day. If he
isn't interested, she feels personally rejected the same way he feels
is something is preventing her from being completely involved and
interested in making love when he wants to.
Just
as romance is important to a woman, sexual fulfillment is important to
a man. He needs constant reassurance that his partner likes sex
with him. Sexual rejection is traumatic to a man's sense of
self. (This doesn't mean she should have sex whenever he asks,
just that she needs to be hypersensitive when sex is the
subject. Providing him
with a means of alternative sexual release other than intercourse that
she is involved with is often a good alternative).
A
man can understand a woman's sensitivity to conversation by comparing
it to his sensitivity to sex. If he is turned on and she isn't
interested it can be very embarrassing. He is most sensitive to
rejection when he is in the mood. She feels the same way about
being able to engage him in meaningful conversation.
Men
and women will turn off this need more and more as they feel rejected
in order to avoid feelings of being hurt. A great deal of energy
is expended suppressing each of these needs and takes away from all
areas of the relationship. The
individual may ultimately lose touch with what their real needs are.
If this happens, it will take some work for their partner to convince
them that it is safe to again begin expressing their need.
If someone outside of the relationship indicates an interest in
fulfilling these needs, an affair becomes more and more likely.
When
a woman is in a state of emotional confusion, she doesn't want to
share or discuss what is creating that confusion. Our society
provides messages that being emotional without a clear reason is a
sign of weakness. This can lead to a woman turning to food for
comfort rather than working through her feelings by talking about
them. One of the best ways a man can help a woman with a weight
problem is to develop a more nurturing relationship.
Failure
is deadly for a man. Alternatively, when he is appreciated, he
will summon up energy and motivation to do even more than he already
has. Women generally do not realize that the kind of love a man
needs most is her loving message that he has fulfilled her.
When
a woman is upset and sharing her feelings, it is most important that
she is heard and validated. When men are upset and sharing their
feelings, they also need to be right. If she is not prepared to
agree with what he has to say or at least validate his point of view,
it is important for her to postpone the conversation.
A
man is almost always annoyed when a woman wants to "work on the
relationship." He doesn't want to work on it, he just wants
to live it.
A
man needs to feel that sometimes he is on vacation from the
relationship, a time when he can do no wrong. He wants to feel
that he is find the way he is and doesn't need to focus on changing
something for a while. If a woman can be lighthearted about her
problems, it will go a long way to making him feel better about the
situation.
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