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** ELIMINATING RELATIONSHIP STRAIN by Graham White**
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How you deal with the
pressures that builds in your relationship has a direct correlation to how
happy you are in it.
What do you do when you
feel the pressure rising?
Do you yell? Do you
taunt? Do you call each other names? Do you ignore your
partner? Do you walk away? Do you burry your feelings so as not to
create waves? Do you resort to, "You NEVER..." or "You
ALWAYS..."?
Are you tired of the
endless arguments around the same subjects? Are you worn out by the
pointless fighting that goes up one topic, across to another, over to a
third...and fourth...and fifth, always deteriorating into the same feelings
of, "You don't care about me, so I'm going to quit caring for you."?
Here is some solid
therapy:
Sometime, when you're not in
the middle of a particular disagreement, ask your partner if you can set a
time to talk about ways you can better meet their needs. Once you have
arrived at the pre-arranged time and location, tell them that you want to create a process that keeps you from lashing out at them.
The two of you will have to
agree on the specifics of what works for you, but here are some
guidelines:
-
Promise each other that
you are committed to acting in love and kindness towards each other.
-
Commit to a process
from this point forward that when you find yourself getting too upset to
talk with composure, you will give the other a cue that lets them know
you need some time to regain your composure.
-
Determine precisely
what you will say to let your partner know what is happening (and make
sure the phrasing of what you say is agreeable to them).
-
Commit to giving each
other the necessary time to regain control, with the promise that you will
come back and address the issue with your partner if that is what they
want.
-
Don't come back to the
discussion if you've simply been ruminating over all the ways they're
wrong - be sure to have taken the time to think of ways to meet your
partners needs and understand their perspective.
-
Once you feel you are
able to proceed again with your partner's best interests at heart, let them know
you're available if they would like to continue with the discussion.
IMPORTANT!
If you have years of
history fighting over the same subjects, you will need to walk away numerous times
before you fully resolve the issue. What's important is that every
time either of you feel your temperature beginning to rise that you state your
need to have time to regain your sense of calm.
Here is what I say, "Honey,
I love you and want you to be happy, but right now I find this topic too
difficult for me to discuss in a way that respects you. I do want to
resolve this in a way that works for both of us. Can I have some time to
collect my thoughts before we resume talking about this?"
Another
relationship tip:
Ask your partner this
question every morning: "What is the single most important thing
I could do for you today?" (Then do it!)
Graham White www.incrediblepotential.com
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