----------------------------------------------------
** RELATIONSHIP RECOVER by Graham White **
----------------------------------------------------
In the beginning,
we see our partner through rose colored glasses. We meet and look dreamy
eyed at the person we're dating with unrealistic expectations. Those
expectations rise for the first while as we get to know each other and
continue in the bliss of first love.
As time goes by, we
become aware of our partner's shortcomings. Slowly, we each let our guard
down and begin to let the other see our true self. To a degree, we even
resent our partner for spoiling our vision of perfection.
We react with
internal disappointment, but believe that our partner can attain the
perfection we first saw in them if just given enough time.
As time goes on, we
resign ourselves to the fact that our partner is not perfect. We become
aware of things about ourselves that they perceive as flaws as well. We
try to accommodate each others preferences for a time, but mostly we remain
true to who we were when we met, flaws and all.
As time goes on, we
accept that our partner isn't going to develop into the vision of perfection
we first thought they might be, but that is balanced by the fact that we
aren't really motivated to go out of our way to change things that have been
part of our personality that they don't like either.
As time passes, we
know pretty much all there is to know about the other. The rush of
discovery dwindles to a trickle and finally ceases all together. We
begin to co-exist with the events in our lives that our now in common, simply
because we have co-existed for so long.
We watch TV
together, run the house together, pay the bills together, raise the kids
together and even go on vacations together, yet it's not as much
"together" as it is "at the same time". We live
under the same roof, but we have become more roommates than partners, more
"sexually convenient" than lovers.
The spark and the
excitement that we first felt has faded and our relationship exists mainly out
of convenience for the house and the family we are both invested in.
This is where most
of us live our lives. If we remain married, we do so with a determined
acceptance that this is just the reality of marriage, or that the challenge of
splitting up and finding our "true" love is more difficult than it's
worth.
Those who choose
divorce are often determined to throw the dice again, with the hopes that this
time, the bliss of first love will continue on indefinitely. The idea
that our "perfect mate" is out there is reinforced by the rush of
being "in love" again.
Relationship
Recovery
There is only one
way to deepen the bond of love between you and your partner, only one way to
recover the intimacy you once had. You must work on reconnecting.
The challenge to
this process is that you must first face your biggest frustrations. You
must actually choose to delve into the topics that you either avoid or
continually fight about. You must agree to work on the issues that set
each other off, for it is only once you have moved beyond what is dragging you
down that you can begin to work together to enjoy what you create together.
So, how do you sit
down and address the very things that cause you to explode? How do
choose to confront what you normally avoid in hopes of maintaining the peace?
First, you have to
find a time when you're both in good spirits. Set up a date where you
take your partner out to their favorite restaurant or activity. After
dessert, tell them how much they mean to you and how you sincerely want to
work on improving the quality of your relationship with them. Tell them
all the things you love and respect about them.
Work on a list
before hand so that you're not just winging it at the moment. Either
recall the list, or put it in a card or a poem (poem's are better for women,
simply stating out loud what you appreciate is better for men).
Tell them you'd
like to find time each week that is just for the two of you. Let them
know that you want to find things to connect with them on, you want to know
what more you can do to be the perfect partner for them. Get them to
understand that this is the most important thing for you and that you need
that time together with them to find out how you can be the best partner
possible for them.
Begin the next day
with the simple question, "What's the most important thing I can do for
you today?" Follow up by getting it done for them. Continue
asking this question every morning. They may or may not reciprocate, but
it doesn't really matter, because the appreciation they will show you will be
a reward in itself.
When you get
together each week, begin developing things that you actually do
"together". You may choose to become involved in something
neither of you has done, or you may choose to become involved in a special
interest of your partners. As you build this part of your relationship,
you will see the effects spill out into all other aspects of your lives
together.
Gradually, you will
uncover the things that are important to them, alleviate the stress that they
feel because of the little things you do that irritate them and they will
reach a place where their appreciation will naturally motivate them to
reciprocate.
In the process, you
will have discovered things that you enjoy doing "together" and have
been working at building the closeness that a relationship needs to survive.
You can't build
your relationship by doing things you both enjoy separately. You can
only build it by what you do "together". This may involve one
or both of you to begin doing an activity that is new or somewhat disagreeable
in the beginning, but as your relationship evolves, so will your appreciation
for the activity. Be sure the activity is something that requires action
and conversation, movies, theatre, concerts, etc don't count unless you go out
after and talk about the event for an hour or two.
So, to recap the
way to recover your relationship:
- Take your partner
out on a date. You may precede it by sending them gifts earlier in
the week.
- After dinner,
tell them how special they are to you. Tell them the things you
appreciate most. If they are a woman, a poem may be appropriate.
- Let them know
that because they are so special to you, you want to be the best partner
you possible can. Tell them how important it is to you that you find
a time each week to get together to do things that THEY enjoy.
- Begin each day,
(or end each night) by asking what the most important thing you could do
for them them the following day (and get it done).
- When you get
together each week, find things that you do "together", that
they enjoy. As time goes on, look into doing things that neither of
you has done before.
- Talk. As
time passes and their appreciation for what you are doing for them grows,
they will naturally begin to reciprocate what you are doing for them.
Asking your partner what the most
important thing you can do for them each day allows them an opportunity to
communicate to you the things you may or may not be doing that frustrate
them. The same is true when they begin asking you what they can do for
you.
If it drives you crazy that they
leave the cap off the toothpaste, now they have offered to do something for
you and you can simply ask. This creates a completely different dynamic
than walking up to them and nagging them about the toothpaste cap. If
your partner has been sexually unavailable and that has been frustrating you,
you can simply tell them when they ask, that you would like them to plan a
romantic evening later in the week.
If you are able to work on your
relationship from a positive perspective, it can only get better. If you
continually push down feelings of frustration to avoid the unpleasantness of
the confrontation, it will simply deteriorate into distance between you or an
all out fight.
Start right now, call up the florist
or head to the lingerie store and get your partner something you know they'd
like (to see you in). Start writing your list of the things that you
love, respect and admire about them and find a night to take them out.
The road to relationship recovery
begins the moment you take the first step in this direction.
Graham White www.incrediblepotential.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are
currently dealing with a challenge or you are deeply concerned about the
situation of another but don't know how to help, e-mail your question for a
reply with the specific strategies that you can implement in yourself to
encourage them to change.
info@incrediblepotential.com
Graham White www.incrediblepotential.com
BACK
