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** How To Make Your Marriage Work -- John Gottman**
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John Gottman collaborated with mathematician James Murray to produce The
Mathematics of Marriage. The book boiled down what was necessary for a
happy marriage into two lines of algebra that has a 94% success rate for
forecasting compatibility.
The formula was based on a decade of studying videotapes of the conversations
of 700 couples on all types of issues. Up to five points were awarded
for positive signals or deducted for negative signals. Jokes and
affectionate gestures earned positive scores. Rolling eyes, criticism
and coldness got negative scores. When you add up all the positive, and
subtract the negative and you can pretty much determine if a couple can make a
go of it.
One Thing
Every Husband Should Do
Accept
Influence.
The ability
to accept influence from his wife is crucial. Women are
socialized to accept influence from men. A true
partnership evolves when the husband can do so as well, but
there's a huge variability in the male ability to do this.
Guys who tend to say "no" all the time tend to have
levels of physiological arousal like higher heart rates.
They can be aggressive or withdrawn. It doesn't bode well
for a long and happy marriage - guys who don't allow give
and take are doomed.
One Thing
All Newlyweds Should Vow To Do
Refuse
To Accept Hurtful Behavior
People who
expect respect get it. And appeasement is not the strategy
to follow if you want to repair damage to a relationship as soon
as possible. Biting your tongue is not the answer.
In relationships that don't work, people just take it and take
it and take it.
Three
Reactions To A Bid For Attention
-
Turn
away. "Can't you see I'm reading?"
-
Turn
toward: "Uh huh...Mmm hmm..."
-
Truly
connect: "Tell me more about that."
"Wow, I bet that was really
difficult."
Three
Types of Marriage Relationships
-
Attack-Defend:
Average length of marriage 5.2 years.
-
Silent-Dead:
Average length of marriage 16.6 years. Silence will
extend the life of a shaky marriage, but eventually it will
fail.
-
Marriage
Masters: Don't divorce. They show humor and
affection, even during arguments.
Four Types
of Destructive Negativity
-
Criticism
-
Contempt
-
Defensiveness
-
Stonewalling
All negatives
are not created equal. These are not the only kinds of
negativity, but they are the most corrosive - and the most
predictive of early divorce.
Five-To-One
Positive to Negative
Negative is
more likely to do bad, than positive is to do good. It
only takes one negative statement to wipe out five positive
comments - sometimes one negative statement can wipe out much,
much more. A man can say 15 positive things, and then add,
"You need to lose weight." All those positive
things are out the window.
20 Minutes
When people
get angry, their adrenaline starts to pump and their hearts
start to race. It takes at least 20 minutes to return to
normal. In the meantime, don't stew. Rehearsing
thoughts to maintain the upset will only prolong the condition,
so take 20 minutes from the point when you've stopped thinking
about the argument.
John Gottman
www.gottman.com
BUY
THE BOOK
