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** HOW TO HANDLE MALE SEXUALITY by Graham White **
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PLEASE NOTE:  If you think you may be offended dealing with the subject of sexuality, please do not continue with this article.  

Anyone who has ever been sexually abused, anyone who has ever felt bound by shame because of their own sexual thoughts or behaviour - knows that the more that they try to hide their shame, the more power it has over them.

I have written this article in the hopes that some of the common, yet taboo areas of men's private thoughts can be brought out into the open and that the information will help create a healthier atmosphere.

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For women, I hope this article will be enlightening.  It may be disconcerting to confront the reality that all men have a base nature that conditions them to respond to sexual cues.  By accepting this reality, you will be better equipped in relating to men.  

For men, I hope that this article provides a voice for the thoughts that you've never talked about, even with your friends or your partner.  If this article talks about things that no one has ever said are normal before, I hope this helps you realize that you aren't abnormal and that your feelings of repression and guilt come from a societal taboo, not the fact that you're deviant.

With that realization, I hope you are better able to equip yourself with healthy strategies and appropriate boundaries in dealing with your initial response to whatever signals your brain tunes into as sexual cues.

 

A man's ability to manage his thoughts and sexuality are key to his long-term success.  If you don't agree, look at the recent admission by Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers that he committed adultery with a 19-year-old desk clerk.  

People ask "Why?" "How could someone who is so composed, so mature, someone with so much to lose and so little to gain do something so STUPID?"  It's not as though he had never thought about having sex with a groupie before.  The sexual thoughts are always there for any man, especially ones who have so much opportunity.  Kobe simply allowed himself to act in a moment of weakness.

For most people, it comes as no surprise that sex is the number-one topic on the minds of men.  I'm not saying it's what they think about all the time, rather that sexuality is something they are preconditioned to tune into.  It is true of all men - your pastor, your father, your brother, your husband, your boss, or role models like Kobe Bryant who seemed "above" those kinds of thoughts.

Sexual thoughts come from a part of the brain that men cannot control.  How they choose to deal with the thoughts that "force" their way into their minds is what they have control over.  Men who are more balanced, more mature and more developed will more easily be able to choose a response that is appropriate.  Men who are less mature, less balanced, or are in denial of their awareness of their initial response will likely respond in ways that are inappropriate.  The more high profile this individual is in society, the greater the lengths they will go to hide their behavior (remember Bill Clinton?).

Men don't just notice sexualized images that they're "supposed" to notice - women between the ages of 18 and 50 who are dressed in some degree of provocative manner - they notice a huge number of sexual signals.  These cues can be style of hair, make-up, the way a girl/woman moves, inflection of voice, suggestive statements, sexual development of the breasts, buttocks and hips (regardless of age), dress that focuses attention on the body, scents, or any number of other details that they have come to associate with sexuality.

This awareness is ever-present.  It begins at the onset of puberty, around grade 5 - sometimes even younger - and doesn't disappear essentially until a man dies.  The difference between a "horny teenager" and a "dirty old man" is just their age and the fact that neither has learned to avert their gaze.  

Men who seem above this kind of lechery have developed a level of sophistication that prevents them from staring or acting on the thoughts that run through their mind, but be assured, those thoughts are still pop into their head and there's little they can do to prevent it.  

One challenge for men comes from the fact that girls are developing younger and younger with each passing decade.  Where once 16 might have been a typical age where girls began to look noticeably like young women, today girls as young as 10 have begun to develop noticeable sexuality.  This creates a high level of anxiety for men as the topic of noticing the sexuality of someone so young is very taboo.

 

It's been said that if men knew they wouldn't get caught and wouldn't feel guilty, they would tend to have as many sexual partners as opportunity provided.  The gay community has made the statement that this is one reason why gay men appear promiscuous: they are dealing with other men, who are often just looking for sex (as opposed to gay women who tend to be more focused on a relationship).

 

Sexuality That Men Notice, but don't talk about:

• Girls/women much younger or older than they are.

• Women related to them that are exceptionally attractive  (this is particularly difficult for men or boys with immediate female relatives that are highly sexualized such as their mothers, sisters or daughters).

• Friends of women they are related to (their mother's friends, wives' friends, sister's friends, or daughter's friends).

• Attractive women in settings where it is not acceptable to focus on sexuality (business meetings, women at church, at a funeral, at their own wedding etc.).

• Young women they have a degree of responsibility for (babysitters, students, neighbors, members of youth groups they help lead etc).

• The developing sexuality of their own sisters or daughters.

 

Men must be encouraged to confront the reality that they are preconditioned to respond to sexual cues.  Once they are able to accept that it is normal learn what to respond in appropriate ways to those types of thoughts, they will be able to function in healthier, more open ways.

The less they become fixated on the curiosity of the subject, the healthier their relationships can be.  Ladies, there is so much about you, your bodies and your sexuality that is a mystery to us.  Men hate to admit their ignorance and prefer to bluff when asked about their level of sexual knowledge or confidence.  This is why locker room talk is full of so many lies and much misinformation.

 

 What you can do to create a healthy understanding of male sexuality:  

• Fathers, be the one to tell your daughters what's going on in a man's mind:  Don't let her boyfriends who have personal agendas be the one to educate her.  Don't let her think that the attention she is getting from the way she dresses or the way she acts is because boys like her and want to get to know her for who she is.  You must be plain when explaining to your daughter the way a man's mind is wired so that when she is making her decisions about the way she presents herself to the world, she does it with full knowledge of the perception she is creating.

• Wives, don't judge your husbands harshly for being aware of what catches his eye:  I'm not saying that it is ok for your husband to stare, or comment about how hot other women look.  What I hope you are able to do is respect how much self-control he needs to employ NOT to stare or continue to think about that vision of sexuality that just passed by.  Take it as a compliment that he continuously works hard to make you the focus of his sexual intimacy.  Men are programmed to notice sexualized images.  The act of self-control and monogamy is a compliment both to you and to him.

• Men, design your life in a way that keeps you as far away from temptation as possible:  DON'T develop close relationships with women you spend a lot of time with where you will be alone with the woman.  DON'T spend time alone with a woman you find yourself becoming attracted to if you are in a relationship already.  If you are in a committed relationship and you meet a woman you find yourself powerfully attracted to, STAY AWAY FROM HER!

• In dire circumstances, build in coping or safety mechanisms:  If you have been abused and feel that you may become an abuser, TELL PEOPLE who can help and avoid any situation that might be difficult.  If you are a "normal" guy who feels overly tuned in to sexual cues, do what you can to avoid environments that cause you to hyper-focus.  Most sexual cues come through the eyes, I've known men with ADHD to go without their glasses when they're out in order to avoid the hyper-focus they tended to have in settings with a lot of women.  If you feel you need more professional help - GET IT.

• Women, understand that the way you present yourself has a powerful effect on men:  While I'm not saying that a woman who makes herself available to a committed man is the sole reason for weakening or ruining his relationship with his partner, she certainly bares some responsibility.  A woman who dresses provocatively needs to recognize that she "forces" a man to confront her sexuality.  MEN CAN'T CONTROL the fact that they notice it.  They CAN control how they choose to act on the awareness, but it takes a lot of energy to not pursue those thoughts in some fashion.  Ladies, help us out by being professional rather than provocative.

• Adults, don't leave younger girls alone with older boys:  This includes their older siblings.  This may also apply to leaving older boys alone with younger boys as well.  You must be aware that the older boys are new at dealing with their raging hormones and are without the benefit of life experience or the maturity to not act on some of the opportunities that may present themselves.

Graham White    www.incrediblepotential.com 

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