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** Finances, Fighting and Failed Marriages – by Dr. Phil McGraw **
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Marriage is not 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.

You've got to wake up every single morning and say, 'I'm going to do everything I can to make this marriage better whether he/she lets me or not.' ... Leaders inspire. They aren't assigned leadership. They command it.

 

Financial and Marital Harmony

It's this simple: Money can ruin your marriage. In fact, it's the number one problem in marriages, and the number one cause of divorce. 

People often underestimate the commitment in merging two lives together. The reason we fight most about money is because it's the most measurable. Sure, compromises also need to be made when it comes to issues of time, space and affection, but with money the give and take is quantifiable. 

Dr. Phil has advice for developing and keeping marital and financial harmony. 

Relationships are mutually defined. Each partner needs to be comfortable with any guidelines you set. Don't build resentment if you've agreed to it.

Everyone should have some financial freedom. Whether $5 or $500, discretionary income is a must for any partnership. If you want to run it through a shredder, it ought to be your right to do so. Having your own money helps you feel like you haven't given yourself up in order to be part of a relationship. 

While financial independence is important, it must be balanced with accountability. Don't hide your spending habits from your spouse. Live within the boundaries you set. Consult your spouse before purchasing big-ticket items. 

Don't live a fairytale! Get real about how much money you have. Set a realistic budget and financial goals. Don't justify purchasing something you can't afford.

Emotional problems can't be solved with money. Take a hard look at what's really behind your spending habits.

Negotiate, and then renegotiate when necessary. You made these life decisions together, and you can change them together. 

Educate yourself. Marriage is a partnership, and both individuals need to be well-informed. Many problems — especially when it comes to money — stem from lack of knowledge. 

When a financial issue comes up, ask yourself: Is it really a money problem or is it a relationship problem?

Money should not be used as a weapon against your partner. 

Joint vs. Separate Accounts: Dr. Phil suggests separate accounts, because it's important to have independence and your own discretionary money.

Fighting Fair

How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.

A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)

Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair.

1.  Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

2.  Keep it relevant. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries down around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

3.  Keep it real. Deal with what really is at issue, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. 

4.  Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling. 

5.  Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it. 

6.  Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you (perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke), and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

7.  Be proportional in your intensity. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be. 

8.  There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. 

Saving a Marriage

Couples who are trying to work their way back from a near-divorce are faced with the ultimate challenge. Rebuilding trust and infusing the partnership with love takes introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Dr. Phil presents the following points for couples to consider when trying to heal a damaged relationship. 

Homework: Write down what you need from your partner.
Dr. Phil asks couples to write down the 10 things that they would like to see more of (or less of) from their partner. This exercise can illuminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face. 

What are you doing to contaminate your relationship?
Each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing. 

Have you built an emotional wall?
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to reconnect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall — nobody can do it for you. 

Make an effort to communicate from the heart.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear. 

Ask yourselves if you've ever really met each other.
It is possible to be married for years and still not truly know each other. Many people hide behind social masks — a protective measure that keeps friends and family from really understanding them. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well. 

It is not too late: You can rescue your relationship and reconnect with your partner. It may not be easy, but here's Dr. Phil's advice on where to even begin.

Recognize that you have the power to redefine the relationship. Even if you feel like a victim, you play a role in setting up what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage.

Stop the ego-driven power struggle. Don't be a "right-fighter." Is it worth destroying your marriage so you can be right in every argument?

Make a promise to work on your marriage every single day — not just during the bad times, but also during the good ones.

Make a plan together to renegotiate the relationship. Even patterns that you've had for 20 years can be changed.

Your vows are about commitment, not method. If the methods you've been using aren't working, it's time to try new ones.

 

Calling It Quits

Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible. That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on. 

You need to ask yourself: 

What was your marriage like when it worked?

When did it go wrong? Why?

Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?

What do you want?

What is it costing you to be in your relationship?

Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?

What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

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